Kate Bradley isn’t a fan of weddings. Hers blew off a clifftop in Devon in a freak tornado before they’d even sat down for lunch, which will probably do it. These days it’s all second marriages, complicated family dynamics and the ever-present risk of bumping into your ex. Still, some weddings are unavoidable. So here’s Kate’s guide to surviving a modern wedding:
- Only go if your absence would cause genuine distress. This list is shorter than you think. Possibly upsettingly so.
- If the couple are even slightly chaotic, delay all spending. Nothing says regret like a non-refundable hotel for a wedding that never happens.
- Dress like your ex is watching. Specifically, to suggest you are effortlessly thriving and don’t care what anyone thinks. This will require considerably more care than you think.
- If you have a famous sibling, deploy them. Stylists, blow-dries, emergency confidence – use every available resource at their disposal.
- Do not accidentally witness anything intimate. If you do, announce your presence immediately and leave with dignity. Do not linger.
- Pace your champagne. It will betray you.
- Prepare conversational safe zones. Weather, travel, and “Isn’t this delightful?” are your friends.
- Have an exit strategy. The correct time to leave a wedding is approximately forty-five minutes before you think.
- Above all, remember that weddings are fleeting. Tagged photos are forever.