Flicking through her wardrobe Gwen paused. Keeping one of her midwifery uniforms had felt like the right thing to do, after all it represented over forty-five years of her life. But now, as her fingers grazed the material, so familiar it almost felt like a second skin, she wished with all her heart she could put it on again.
‘There’s some tea here for you, my love.’ She turned to look at her husband, Barry, as he set the cup down on the bedside table. ‘Are you having first day nerves about what to wear?’
‘Something like that.’ Even as Gwen spoke, he was shaking his head. He knew her far too well to believe that. She was no shrinking violet, and she’d have thought nothing of wearing the pair of skin-tight leather trousers she’d bought in a vintage shop the week before, which were almost the exact same style as a pair she’d owned when she was sixteen. She didn’t give a fig whether she was following a trend, or setting one of her own. Gwen had always done her own thing and she was long past caring what people thought of her.
‘It’s not that, is it? You want to be back at the midwifery unit. Are you missing the others?’ Barry wrapped his arms around her. ‘Why don’t you invite them over for a meal, or arrange a night out?’
‘I do miss them, but we’re all getting together for Nadia’s birthday next week anyway. It’s helping the patients I miss most. What if nothing fills that void inside me?’ She laughed at the look on his face. ‘I know, I’d usually be the first to make a joke about that. More innuendos than Frankie Howerd, that’s me. But I’m serious.’
‘I’ve got a feeling you’ll be helping patients and their families more than you realise. They’ll be coming to the hospital shop to distract themselves, or to buy something to cheer themselves up. Volunteering there, and being the friendly face of St Piran’s, is a job you were born to do.’
‘I might sell them a Twix or a magazine, but I won’t be making a difference to how things turn out, will I? As a midwife, I knew I could make women’s experiences the best they could possibly be, even in the most difficult of times. And I just don’t know who I am, if I’m not spending my days doing that.’
‘Knowing you, the role of volunteer will stretch beyond what anyone envisioned. And come on, you’re not just a uniform. You’ve got more hobbies and interests than anyone I’ve ever met.’ Barry laughed. ‘God knows you’ve dragged me along for the ride with stuff I never thought I’d be doing! You should have a dig around my wardrobe, I’ve got shirts with sequins on for ballroom dancing, and even a magician’s top hat. It would be impossible to define you with one word, Gwen, not even midwife was ever enough. And it’s just one of the ten thousand or so reasons why I love you.’
‘I love you too, but I don’t know why you put up with me sometimes.’
‘Because I wouldn’t know who I was without you.’ Barry pulled her closer and she rested her head against his shoulder. Spending more time with her husband was a big part of the reason why she’d retired, and she needed to learn to relish the time it afforded her. But it was going to take a hell of a lot of getting used to.
***
By the end of the first shift of volunteering in the Friends of St Piran’s Hospital Shop, Gwen already knew what her favourite part of the job was: taking the trolley round to the wards. It gave her a chance to chat with patients and, whilst it might never take the place of what she’d done before, the contact was every bit as important for her as it was for them.
She was on her third shift when she met Eileen, a patient in her early-eighties, on St Michael’s Ward, close to the front of the hospital, and only a five minute walk from the shop. When the nurse, who’d just finished checking Eileen’s blood pressure, had asked Gwen what she’d been up to the night before, she replied that she’d been at a dance class, getting ready for an upcoming competition.
‘I used to love dancing.’ The look in Eileen’s eyes was so wistful and Gwen could almost feel the other woman’s longing to turn back the clock. One of the things Gwen and Barry did together was a magician’s act, but sadly this wasn’t something that could be fixed with a wave of a magic wand. Instead she sat down next to Eileen’s bed, and they chatted about the dances they used to go to, and even the boys they’d met long before either of them had married. Eileen had confided in Gwen how she’d had to keep her relationship with her late husband, Roy, a secret, for almost six months, and that they’d split up for a while because their families were former neighbours who hadn’t got on. He was the Romeo to her Juliet.
‘It was forbidden fruit, but that made it all the sweeter.’ Eileen smiled. ‘But I knew he was the right one for me. We proved them wrong in the end, too. We were married for forty years before I lost him.’
Their conversation had made Gwen half an hour late for the rest of her round, and she’d finished her shift almost an hour later than planned, but none of that mattered. Eileen had wanted to chat, and Gwen needed to be needed. They were a match made in heaven.
During her next two shifts, Gwen made sure St Michael’s Ward was the last on her trolley round, so she wouldn’t have to cut Eileen off if she wanted to talk again. She discovered that her new friend had been widowed twenty years before, had one daughter who was devoted to her, but had to work long hours as a vet, and a grandson of nineteen who Eileen insisted had saved her life after she’d lost her husband.
‘Kate was pregnant when her dad died.’ Even twenty years later it was clearly hard for Eileen to get the words out, and Gwen just wanted to give her a hug. ‘It was so sudden. A massive heart attack and, just like that, he was gone. We were both devastated, but the baby gave us a reason to keep going. When Jamie was born, Kate had not long started her own practice, so she had to go back to work quite quickly. I stepped in to care for the baby when she was working and he filled my days with happiness again, from the moment I set eyes on him. He rings me at least twice a day, even in here.’
Eileen’s face lit up at the mere mention of her grandson’s name, and he was her favourite topic of conversation. Gwen heard all about the decision he’d made to go away to university, after his closest friendship had ended on a difficult note. And her hopes for him to find a nice girlfriend, which according to Eileen shouldn’t be hard, since he was such a nice-looking boy. Jamie was her pride and joy and, on her fourth visit to Eileen, Gwen had also met Kate. Eileen’s daughter was a lovely woman, but she was clearly being run ragged, going to and from the hospital, and keeping up with a demanding job. Her mother had several complicated health issues, and one of the nurses had confided that they were struggling to find the right combination of medication to stabilise the most serious of her conditions, without major side effects. All of which meant she could be in hospital for a long time.
‘Thank you for chatting to Mum, she tells me what you’ve been talking about whenever I come in and it’s like she’s got a friend in here, which makes me feel less guilty when I can’t stay as long as I’d like to. Unfortunately, most of the other patients in her bay seem to sleep a lot and I think she gets lonely, but it makes so much difference knowing you’re popping in to see her.’ Kate hugged Gwen and let go of a long breath. ‘Jamie’s in his first year at university, and we seem to be constantly ferrying him four counties away and back again. I keep asking him why he couldn’t just have picked Plymouth, or Exeter!’
‘It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate, but I love spending time with your mum and it brightens my day too.’
Gwen had meant every word and she’d even started popping in on the days when she wasn’t volunteering, just to have a have a chat with Eileen. But then she’d been forced to miss almost five days, after a family wedding and a trip to a dance competition in Somerset. She’d worried about her new friend while she was away, but she hadn’t expected things to change quite so drastically.
‘Hi Gwen. Are you hear to see Eileen?’ Lindsay, one of the nurses, stopped her as she came into the ward. And, when Gwen nodded, Lindsay sighed. ‘I need to tell you something.’
‘Oh no, she hasn’t…’ Gwen stomach dropped and she couldn’t finish the sentence, but Lindsay was shaking her head.
‘No, no. Sorry, I shouldn’t have put it like that. But I’m really worried, it’s like she’s just given up. The doctors have said she needs to go to a specialist proactive assessment unit, at least until they can find a way of stabilising all her medications. But she’s saying she’s done with life now, and that she just wants to die.’
‘I’ll go and speak to her.’ The surge of determination Gwen felt in that moment, was every bit as familiar as her old uniform. There were countless times as a midwife, when she’d had to take charge and find a way of solving a problem that seemed unsolvable, because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about. And this was no different.
‘Good luck.’ Lindsay called after her, although she didn’t sound particularly hopeful, but Gwen had already decided she wasn’t taking no for an answer.
‘Hi Eileen, I’m sorry I haven’t been in for a while.’ She settled down in the chair next to the bed, but the older woman didn’t even turn her head to look in Gwen’s direction.
‘I don’t want to be here anymore.’
‘I can’t even pretend to know how hard it must be, but there are some lovely places where they can care for you, and take the time that’s needed to assess your needs, until things are back on an even keel. You’ll have your own room and you can have all your own things around you too, photographs of Jamie, Kate and your husband, up on the walls. It’ll feel much more like home than the hospital does.’
‘What’s the point?’ For the first time, Eileen looked at her. ‘Wherever I am, I’m just lying around, waiting to die.’
‘Well, you can wait to die, or you can choose to live. It’s up to you.’ Gwen knew she might sound harsh, but sometimes tough love was called for too. ‘I spoke to Nicky, my dance teacher, and she’s starting a chair-based dance class. Even if you can’t get to it in person, I could go along to learn the moves and we could do them together when I come and see you, once you’re settled in your new place. You’ll have all the fellas queueing up to dance with you again, even if they are sitting down!’
Gwen had been hoping to raise a smile from Eileen, but instead the other woman’s eyes had filled with tears. ‘Why would you want to waste your time coming to see me? I’ll be miles away. I’m just a burden to everyone. Jamie and Kate don’t need me anymore, it’s time for me to go.’
‘Of course you’re not a burden.’ Gwen took hold of her hand, swapping tough love for the tender kind. ‘They both adore you. Kate is in every day and Jamie phones you all the time. Trust me, not everyone gets that.’
‘They have to do it, though, don’t they? The only place for me is in Plymouth and that’s over an hour and half’s drive away. I’m not having Kate coming all that way to see me.’ Eileen didn’t wait for an answer, closing her eyes tightly instead. ‘It’s time for them to start living their lives, I’ve had mine, and I’m going to tell the doctors I don’t want to take any more medication.’
‘You can’t do that.’ Even before Eileen responded, Gwen knew what she was going to say, because it was the kind of thing she might have said herself.
‘Yes I can, just watch me.’
***
‘Have you seen Mum, she’s talking about stopping her medication?’ Kate was breathless when she rushed into the hospital shop, as if she’d run all the way from her mother’s bedside.
‘I’m so sorry.’ Gwen came around from the counter and folded her into a hug. ‘I think it’s the thought of being so far away, and adding extra pressure for you when you visit.’
‘I don’t care about any of that. I’ll get up at four if I have to, to squeeze a visit in. I just want her to be okay. It was only the three of us – Mum, me and Jamie – for so long. His dad is a difficult man, and he was never around in any practical way, just with opinions no one wanted. And that’s still the only thing he has to offer his son. I met my partner three years ago, but that doesn’t mean having Mum around is any less important to me. Plymouth doesn’t have to be forever, it’s just until they can stabilise her, or a place becomes available closer to home.’
‘I know. my love. She just can’t see that right now.’ Gwen stepped back and her eyes met Kate’s. ‘Maybe Jamie could try? She seems to think he doesn’t need her anymore, and she’s obviously missing him now he’s moved away, but he clearly thinks the world of her too.’
‘He does and I know he’s missing her every bit as much. They’ve always been so close.’ Kate let out a long shuddering sigh. ‘He’s on his way back home now. He’s only been back at uni three weeks since the last holiday, but I’m not sure he’s settling in, and I don’t know what to do for the best. I kept joking about him choosing somewhere so far away, but the last thing I want him to do is drop out. I just want them both to be happy.’
‘Maybe you should let them have a chat on their own, once Jamie is home?’ Gwen smiled for the first time, the beginnings of a possible solution starting to take shape.
‘Why? I don’t think there’s anything Jamie can say that we haven’t already.’
‘Just trust me. Sometimes us old birds know more than you think.’ Gwen winked, and gave Kate another quick hug. She was just hoping she was right, and that a conversation between grandmother and grandson might just provide the kind of remedy not even the best doctor in the world could prescribe.
***
Despite never having met him, Gwen would have recognised Jamie anywhere. She’d seen so many photos of him on Eileen’s phone that it almost felt as though she knew him, but of course she didn’t. Not that the small mater of being total strangers had never stood in Gwen’s way when she had something she needed to say.
‘You’re Eileen’s grandson, aren’t you?’ Gwen smiled, as he came up to the counter clutching a pile of magazines.
‘Yes, Jamie. And I’m guessing you must be Gwen?’ The young man returned her smile, suddenly looking so much like his mum. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you!’
‘Likewise, and I know your grandmother can’t wait to see you.’
‘How is she?’ Jamie’s expression changed, and his eyes were glassy when they met Gwen’s. This wasn’t someone who saw his grandmother as a burden, this was someone who was nowhere near ready to let her go.
‘She wants to give up, so she needs a straight talking to, and I think you’re the person to do it. You’ve got to tell her how much you still want her around and be honest with her.’ Gwen hesitated for a moment, but she had to say it. ‘About everything, including what’s going on with you, and why you don’t feel settled at university.’
‘It’s not the university, I just miss being with the people I love.’
‘One person in particular?’ Gwen held his gaze, and his eyebrows shot up.
‘How did you know?’
‘From the stories your grandmother told me, it seemed pretty obvious that you weren’t heartbroken because a friendship had ended. I could tell it was more than that.’ Gwen’s tone was gentle. ‘I might look like a little old lady to you, but I’ve had my day, lots of them in fact, and sometimes I still do! You should tell your grandmother what really happened, she needs to feel needed, and you confiding in her will definitely help with that.’
‘Do you really think she’ll understand? She’s from a different generation and I’ve never told her that I’m… I’ve never told any of my family. I’ve wanted to for ages, but something just stopped me.’
‘Of course, she’ll understand. She loves you and all she wants is for you to be happy. It’ll mean the world to her that you feel able to talk to her about anything and everything.’
Jamie looked at her for a moment, searching her face, and then he nodded. ‘I’m going to tell her right now.’
***
It was the end of her shift, before Gwen had time to go back up to St Michael’s Ward and, when she did, she found Eileen sitting up in bed, with her grandson in the chair next to her. The animated look that Gwen recognised from their conversations before, was back on her face.
‘Well, you look very different to last time I saw you.’
‘I thought no-one needed me anymore, but it turns out I was wrong and I gather that was thanks to you.’ Eileen smiled. ‘Not to mention those dance classes you’ve got planned, I can’t let you lose your star pupil. So I have to try and stay well for as long as possible, don’t I?’
‘You certainly do.’ Gwen perched on the end of Eileen’s bed. ‘Are you feeling better about the move?’
‘We both are. Aren’t we?’ Eileen squeezed her grandson’s hand, and he nodded.
‘I’m going to see if I can get a transfer to Plymouth uni.’ Jamie held up his mobile. ‘In fact, I’ve already sent the email. It’s where Harry is already. I thought getting as far away from him as possible would help me stop feeling the way I do about him, but it’s just made me miss him more.’
‘They’re not just friends, they’re in love.’ Eileen lifted her grandson’s hand to her lips and kissed it. ‘He tried to finish things with Harry, but all it’s done is made them both miserable. I know exactly how that feels because of how things were when I first met my Roy. But you only get one life, and heaven knows it goes past in a flash. So if you find someone you love, who loves you back, nothing should be allowed to get in the way.’
‘I didn’t know how anyone would take it.’ Jamie frowned. ‘No that’s a lie. Deep down, I knew Mum and Nan would be okay with it. More than okay. But my father is always spouting on about non-heterosexual relationships being wrong, and all kinds of other rubbish like that. I don’t know why I let it bother me, he’s hardly been around except to try and tell me what to do. But I allowed what he said to convince me to finish things with Harry, and move over five hours drive away. I’ve hated every minute away from him, and my family. Dad’s never really been a part of that, and I can’t believe I let him have any say in my life.’
‘Now we’ll both be in Plymouth.’ Eileen turned to look at her grandson, still clutching his hand. ‘But don’t worry, darling. I’m not expecting you to come in and see me all the time. It’s enough for me to know that I’m there if you need me.’
‘We all need to be needed.’ Gwen mirrored her new friend’s smile and breathed out slowly. Things had a funny way of working out. Eileen and her grandson were going to help each other through, and it turned out that her volunteering role had the potential to be far more like her old job than she’d ever imagined. Change could be scary for anyone, but sometimes it really was for the best.